


remnants and stars

by solar_celeste



Series: whumptober 2019 [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: (no comfort sorry guys), Crying, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Memories, Most Of It, Reminiscing, Star Gazing, Whumptober 2019, im actually gonna try and do whumptober this year, key word is try, or well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-10 15:04:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20853749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solar_celeste/pseuds/solar_celeste
Summary: day#1 of whumptober: shaky hands***“There was one time, I don’t remember how old I was, but I wished upon a star. I asked to meet father, I wished that I wouldn’t have to kill anyone else. I didn’t want to hurt people anymore.” Damian paused, sniffling. “My wish came true Titus, I just wasn’t specific enough.”





	remnants and stars

**Author's Note:**

> So I’m actually going to try and do a majority of the prompts for this years whumptober... we’ll see how it goes, lol.

It was getting colder in Gotham, crisp fall air coming in as the seasons passed. The wind picked up as the sun set, much earlier than in the summer, and the night brought in a chill.  _ We will have to switch out our uniforms soon,  _ Damian thought. The summer ones will be too thin for Gotham’s brittle nights. Pennyworth will do it silently in the next week or so, so subtly that it will take Bruce a few nights to notice that he has been unknowingly wearing a thicker suit. Perhaps Pennyworth had already switched them tonight, Damian would not know and, if his father noticed, it was not something that would be said to the boy. They didn’t have meaningless, casual conversations such as that. Nothing that wasn’t related to the mission. 

The sky is fairly clear, only a cloud or two visible from where Damian was sitting on the back deck. He came out shortly after dinner, just post a rather nasty fight with Father and Todd. Damian was banned from patrol as a result, forced to watch as Father and his brothers filed into the cave to suit up. It was a rarity these days for the entire family to be in the same place and in good enough health to patrol together, and Damian was being forced to miss it. It bothered him a great deal and caused a spark of  _ something _ , he would never admit to jealousy, flair in his chest.

He clenched his shaking fists. 

He looked up at the sky again. It was a calm and clear night and still, he could count the number of stars visible on his two, small hands. It was nothing like the quilt of never ending lights he had been used to seeing in the desert. 

Damian laughs, a hollow, reminiscent laugh. It’s funny, how a year ago Damian would have thought of Nanda Parbat as his home. Would have referred to Talia as his  _ mother _ . It’s even more funny that it took him eleven years to figure her out, to uncover her real motives. Perhaps it’s insane that he thinks all that to be comical, but Damian isn’t so sure he’s too far from insane anymore. Too many runs in with the Joker. Too many threats from his mother for him to keep his sanity. He had experienced death a time too many to hold onto any real sense of reality.

Damian laughed again as his nails dig into his palms. His hands shook with the pressure.

Damian couldn’t comprehend why it was him that was always cast away, why he was the one that blood on his hands before he was three. He wanted to get rid of the feeling of having the weight of two great legacies on his shoulders. He wanted to get rid of the feeling of an empty heart, of having an endless void in his chest. Of not having anyone who truly loved him. 

There was a scratch behind him, followed by a whine before the door clicked open and the sound of claws against the wooden desk echoed in the night. 

“Good boy, Titus.” Damian praised. It was one of the first tricks he had taught the dane, to open the door without Damian’s assistance. It was helpful, and much appreciated by Pennyworth, since the dog was much too large for a door flap and the butler had far too much on his plate already. 

Another thing Damian supposed was his fault. He pressed his nails in harder, his hands shook more.

Titus whined again, nuzzling Damian’s fisted hands until the boy unclenched one. Palm up, he held it in front of Titus. The great dane whined again and licked away a drop of his owner's blood before spinning in a circle and making himself comfortable besides Damian, who looked back up at the stars. 

“You would have loved the compound.” Damian told Titus, who rested his head on the boy’s lap in return. “There was so much space to run and explore.” Damian continued, stroking the dogs ears. “And the night sky, it was so beautiful. When I was little I used to look out my bedroom window and wonder if Father was looking at the same stars.”

“There was one time, I don’t remember how old I was, but I wished on one. I asked to meet father, I wished that I wouldn’t have to kill anyone else. I didn’t want to hurt people anymore.” Damian paused, sniffling.

“I wished for a dog too, you know.” He said. “A large one, good for defense and training. One that was smarter than the majority of people so that I would be able to talk to him and know that even though he couldn’t speak back to me, he was listening. I guess… I guess that part was because I didn't have anyone else to talk to.”

Damian unclenched his other hand, blood warm and sticky on his palm. He wiped his running nose on his sleeve.

“There was another wish too.” He whispered after a moment of silence. “I wanted siblings. Four of them, three brothers and one sister of whom I could train with and maybe even be permitted to enjoy other things with.”

Titus licked Damian’s hand again, swiping more drops of blood away.

“My wish came true Titus, I just wasn’t specific enough.” Titus made a sound, throaty and if Damian listened the right way, encouraging. 

“I didn’t wish for love because at the time, the concept was foreign to me. It still is I suppose.”

“Mother never coddled me, not unless we were undercover for a mission and even then it was always forced and cold. Sometimes I wonder if mother knew how to love. I know Father does, I see it in the way he looks at Todd and the way he smiles at Grayson and especially how he always praises Drake.” 

Damian stifled a sob, hugging Titus’ head and pressing his face into the dogs soft fur. 

“Why can’t it be the same with me?” He cried. 

For a moment, however brief, Damian thought about trying to wish again, on one of the few stars visible to him at that moment. But he thought against it, he wasn’t a child any longer.

Naivety, was a characteristic Damian considered fit only for a child and, even at eleven, Damian hadn’t ever thought himself a child. Still, Damian new he was naive. He looked it straight in the face every morning when he saw himself in the mirror and faced it again every night in the reflection of a dirty puddle. He saw why his father avoided him, why people didn’t trust him, why all his mother wanted out of him was a perfect soldier. He saw it in the scars on his skin. He knew, yet, he didn’t understand. 

Damian was the only one that truthfully belonged there, he was the only blood son, the only one with any true rights to his father's inheritance and yet, he always felt like he was the one who least belonged. He always felt like he was the one who was least wanted.

Not that he would admit that, of course, not over his dead body. 

Though…. even after the Heretic he had not admitted to it. Still would not. He didn’t need to be told that he was only needed for the mission, that Father had only brought him back because he too had needed a soldier.

Damian already knew that.

For know, he had Titus and that should have been enough, that should have been  _ more  _ than enough. But it wasn’t satisfactory. He  _ needed  _ something more, he just didn’t understand why it was so difficult for him to obtain it.

“Titus.” He whispered, voice clogged with tears and emotion. His whole body shook as he asked: “Why am I impossible to love?” 

**Author's Note:**

> Comment, kudos and constructive criticism are my coffee :) 
> 
> Yell at me on tumblr @solar_celeste


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